“Does marriage counseling operate? My wife and I have tried seeing a marriage counselor for the past couple of weeks, but it doesn’t seem like it really is performing something… What am I undertaking incorrect?”
If you are like numerous of the lost and confused husbands in the 21st century, then you have already attempted the most normally prescribed remedy to any marriage dilemma, i.e. marriage counseling.
I never know when it became such frequent practice, but somehow the go-to option for any and all troubles that could plague a marriage (separation, loss of passion, divorce, infidelity, lack of communication, etc.), the most prominent and broadly suggestions that you are going to get is “have you attempted marriage counseling?”
You would feel that such a booming and respected industry would be so extremely encouraged mainly because of its higher good results rate, right? In other words, marriage counseling is so well-known simply because it has a history of legitimately fixing the marriage troubles that plague so many relationships these days, suitable?
Did you know that…
Marriage Counseling has the Highest Failure Price of Any Therapy
Yup, marriage counseling and marriage counselors have the lowest success rate of any other counseling or therapy associated field.
So, does marriage counseling work? I would say ‘not even close’.
* Drug addicts in rehab have a larger good results rate than marriage counselors
* Alcoholics in AA have a greater achievement price than marriage counselors
* Anger management therapy has a greater results rate than marriage counselors
* Even the prison counseling applications for murderers, rapists and other criminals have a greater good results rate than marriage counseling
You would believe that for up to $200 per hour there’d be some sort of guarantee that you’d see results in your marriage, but this is absolutely not the case. Marriage counseling DOES NOT Perform for most couples, and marriage counseling achievement prices are surprisingly low (significantly less than 25%).
There is a sort of couple that can benefit from marriage and household counseling, but it is the exception, not the rule. Most marriage counselors do not successfully address the accurate concerns that are leaving you and your wife ‘unfulfilled in our marriage’.
Does Marriage Counseling Work? Do We Have the Highest Divorce Prices, Ever?
Admittedly, according to recent statistics, the divorce price in America has finally come to somewhat of a plateau in the past couple years because significantly less people are acquiring married, so there are significantly less couples to divorce.
But nonetheless, in the previous 10 – 25 years divorce rates have sky rocketed, and I want you to actually assume about this for a minute… Doesn’t it appear strange that the rise in divorce rates correlates just about directly with the thriving marriage counseling business? Some may argue that this tends to make sense because much more divorces require extra marriage counseling, but what if the accurate source of the issue wasn’t basically divorce, but the total ineffectiveness, even counter-productivity, of marriage counseling?
I’ll inform you an example of this – My personal parents are divorced. They have been married for over 20 years, and they attempted every little thing in the book to save their marriage. They attempted not one particular, not two, not three, not 4, but Five unique marriage counselors more than the course of 10 YEARS, and not a single a single of them did anything to save their marriage.
In reality, the marriage only ever got worse for the reason that my parents became frustrated with their lack of progress, and that aggravation led to even more complications in the marriage.
In other words, marriage counseling added fuel to the fire, and it poisoned my parents’ marriage.
Now, I am not saying that all marriage counselors are full quacks, but a surprising quantity of them are. Their marriage counseling techniques and techniques are primarily based on theory, conjecture and textbooks, not actual romantic or human experience or even on effective marriages.
Several Marriage Therapists Lack Verified or Relevant Practical experience
This could possibly be stated about several therapy associated fields, but I feel that it is specifically accurate in marriage counseling. I know of several marriage counselors who have actually gone through a divorce, but continue to teach other individuals how to fix their marriage. Clearly these men and women have no thought what essentially functions if they can’t even save their own marriage, so why would you trust them to save yours?
Again, I never want to make any overly broad generalizations right here, but I do really feel like the marriage counseling field has grow to be equivalent with divorce attorneys… It’s just 1 additional cog in the machine leading to the simultaneous degradation and capitalization of marriage in America. I mean, from a value standpoint they’re each high priced… It will run you about $400 for an hour to talk on the phone with a divorce lawyer, and a single marriage counseling session will commonly price you at least $one hundred, and more for a ‘good’ a single.
These are people today that know you’re desperate and are prepared to take benefit of that are their personal gain.
Assume about it, if you have been definitely passionate about helping folks and saving marriages, would you demand $300 per session for some thing that you have not even noticed regularly yield final results? I’m not saying it’s morally incorrect to charge a lot of revenue for your solutions, but when there is so substantially money involved it really is only natural to question accurate motives, specially without final results to justify a high cost.
Consider about it, most marriage counselors propose at least 10 sessions to see outcomes in your marriage, which implies you are dropping $1,000 to $two,000 on completely unproven methods and methods.
Which brings me to the implied second element of our original question… Does marriage counseling operate, and why or why not?
And to me, this is what seems to be the explanation most marriage counselors fail:
Most Marriage Counselors Have Been Trained To Analyze Complications, Not Make Solutions
This is what I definitely believe it comes down to… Every thing that your average marriage counselor has discovered, and in turn all the things they teach you, was pretty likely written by a psychologist.
All those things that your marriage counselor tells you…
* “Just maintain working at it”…
* “Communication is the important”…
* “Be much more open with every single other”…
* “Get started having intimacy time”…
* “Date nights are the answer”…
* “Make www.amywaterman.org loved”…
All of these points are written in some text book somewhere and that textbook was written by a psychologist. These are things that girls feel they want, and they do when almost everything is already fantastic, but they will NOT save your marriage.
These are all factors you need to be doing when your marriage is thriving, more like characteristics of a successful marriage than actual approaches to repair a broken one particular.
But You Can Clearly See Their Train of Thought…
A fantastic marriage has open communication, ideal? So it ‘makes sense’ that to fix a broken marriage you really should create open communication, right?
A very good marriage has spouses who appreciate intimacy time with every other, correct? So, it ‘makes sense’ to say that if you force intimacy time you will repair your marriage, proper?
But marriage isn’t backwards compatible like that… It does not operate because these logical solutions are NOT going to work when there is no feelings of attraction or emotional fondness behind them. So even if you happen to be going by means of the motions appropriately, there is no guarantee that you will truly repair your marriage.
In reality, if something you are almost guaranteed to make it worse, mainly because you will remind your wife how poor factors have to be that she can not really feel Something even when you happen to be apparently attempting so really hard.
Keep in mind, attraction is the ONLY point that will save your marriage. With out attraction there is no emotional incentive driving your wife to come back to you… Logic, cause, counseling, courses, books, rational techniques and perseverance will not save your marriage. Feelings, emotion and passion will.
So, does couples counseling operate? Does marriage counseling operate? I suppose I need to let your personal experiences give you the definitive answer, but from all of my own experience I would say that you happen to be superior off attempting to fix issues on your own than with a counselor.